Intersections Between Body Image And The Senses

When it comes to getting ready for the day, I have a pretty low-maintenance primping routine. I wash my hair a couple of times a week because that is all it needs. Regarding makeup, I wear two things almost daily: tinted sunscreen and mascara. When it is more temperate, I might add some cheek color. When it is hot, I wear those two things less often. Also I am perimenopausal. I was always the person wearing a scarf and a coat, even when I lived in southern California. These days, I cannot bear much near my neck and would prefer to feel as if I am not wearing any clothes—on a sensory level, that is.

I recently traveled to Europe and it was hot. It was less hot than in Baltimore, MD, the humidity was even a little lower. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not into summer at all. I have never been a fan. However, for the trip, the forecast seemed like it was going to be milder than what I am used to in the Mid-Atlantic region. I checked the forecast for weeks before my trip, as one does when they are hyperfocused on the end of summer. Alas, it was going to be warm, very warm. And I was warned that there is little air conditioning in the places we were going to be.

From the moment we stepped off the plane, my partner and I began to sweat. We were carrying heavy bags and in crowded spaces and our patience was growing thin after many hours of travel and a shift into a new timezone. I felt hungry and irritable and did not enjoy my odor as we took some public transportation to our dear host’s home. I knew I needed a shower, time to cool off, and a good meal. I took a glorious shower and my dear friend had set out snacks and beverages for us. Since I had started to sweat the moment I got out of the shower, I refrained from my tinted sunscreen and mascara. I just wanted to be comfortable and that did not include a layer of melty topicals on my face. We took off for the day and while I felt better than I had shortly after the flight, I noticed more sweat than usual. The sun was direct and hot. I had flown overnight. I was growing impatient with my inability to stay dry and be comfortable.

A good night’s sleep eventually solved most of these problems. I was able to enjoy the fourteen-day trip with little jet lag. My biggest noticings were feeling agitated when hot and feeling hot often. I couldn’t tell the difference between my menopausal hot flashes and it being just plain hot everywhere we went. I did not acclimate, and, the reactions to my discomfort were minimized as we went from city to city and I was able to see the larger world outside of my body. About ten days into the trip, I found myself exhausted. I needed a day to myself with little interaction. My group understood and I just rested.

I noticed that I was having difficulty feeling good about my body because it didn’t feel good. My legs and feet were swollen and tired from walking so many miles for ten days. My internal thermometer was doing its best and also felt stressed and confused by the job of regulation. My hair did not give me one good day, not one. I refrained from make-up which made me feel physically better and highlighted some insecurities. I have a long history of body image issues which are interconnected to my disordered eating history. I had done well the first ten days with going with the flow and choosing things to eat from foreign menus. I allowed myself to sink in and immerse in the culture around me. And on that tenth day…I started to find myself wanting more control. I was tired. I found myself wanting food from home. I wanted more vegetables. I also became more critical of myself.

I thought about all that I have learned about myself through my recovery. What I remember most is that none of these feelings about my body have anything to do with my actual body. We are sensory beings. When we are tired, hungry, hot, cold, challenging ourselves to adapt to new environments—it is more challenging to feel good in our bodies. When we do not feel good in our bodies, we are more vulnerable to turning in on ourselves. I was able to keep talking myself through these discomforts. It helped me to be kinder to myself. It helped me share with my partner what was going on. In the past, I would begin restricting food as a way to fix my broken body. After all these years in recovery, I am able to see that nothing is broken. When I am challenged on a sensory level, I am more likely to have body image issues.

I cannot stress enough that this was a trip of a lifetime. I am proud of myself for the time I took away from work, how I faced adversity, and the amazing experience I allowed myself to have. In the past, I would have been too busy journaling food to enjoy myself. I would have been constantly doing the math on the number of steps my phone tracked. I would have been distracting myself. I was present and it was challenging and it was SO WORTH IT.